Mixed Signals Disconnected

        Again, I am sitting on my porch staring up at the beautiful sky and wondering if he is thinking of me too. As romantic it may sound, a big part of me is highly annoyed. How many times will I go through this is my life until I get it right? This guy is not the first guy to lead me down the thorny lane of blossomed weeds while wearing rose-colored lens. I dream of them. I hope for them. I wait for them. And they leave me dumbfounded and bone dry. You'd think after so many experiences of this type of "affection" I would know better, but my optimistic heart and naive mind keeps saying, "He has to be the one. It will be the real deal this time". And I wait and wait and wait for their words of purity, clarity and heart to only hear silence after being rummaged in the cold. 

    Imagine a bride that stands at the alter with wilted flowers. Her hair has turned gray, and sun is starting to set. The chairs remain empty, and the pastor has resigned. The wedding rings lay on a dusty pillow at her feet and her vows are no longer legible. Her knees are starting to buckle as her back slowly arches over. Make up wedged in between wrinkles, hair frizzed in the wind, she looks up every time she hears a step towards her. Each man that comes does the same thing. He picks up the pillow, takes the rings, tell her thank you and leave. She watches as he leaves. A tear falls from her face. She reaches into her bra and grabs a pair rings, made from her heart and places them on the pillow. She places them on the pillow and says to herself, "He's coming. He promised". This is what my love life feels like. 

    I take that I am just an energy source for men. I create and they take it and give to another woman. I create and they take it and give to themselves. Once at Aldi's, I got caught up in the beauty of a handsome cashier and I guess he must had noticed my admiration. As I got closer to checkout, he began to move faster and hurried along other customer's orders. My heart soared thinking he was doing all that just to be closer to me. I readied myself. When my turn came, he looked me right in the eyes and said, "Let me get that lady behind you first". I turned around and saw a taller, skinnier woman with brighter skin and longer hair behind me. She looked shocked and concerned. I stepped back and allowed her to be checked out before me. After he checked her out, he quickly processed my order (I was the last in line) and rushed outside to gather buggies. I saw him at the elite lady's car, and she sort of shooed him away. He walked past me with is nose in the air and I oozed to my car. I kept a smile on my face because my children were near, and I didn't want them to see mommy's pain. I realized at that moment that this was going to be my life. I didn't want to make peace with it; however, I had to. Skinnier women with brighter skin and longer hair always win. 

    Yet, I still dream of a handsome lover that only has eyes for me. I try to be steel when I go out. I walk firm and move along without a care because I've had way too may false attraction heart break moments. Sometimes, if the environment is right, I will relax and by my authentic self. And they see me, ignore me, degrade me, refuse me or tease me. It's an emotional roller coaster from hell. Why do all this? Am I feeding their egos? Am I stroking their man-hoods? It just seems I will never be good enough for them. So, as of today, I will no longer be receiving mix signals. If he isn't saying it out loud verbally, then it's bullshit. If he isn't here making his love known and present, then it's just my imagination. I hope to find love one day, but I will no longer be looking it. My sun is starting to set, and I've wasted too much time looking for a man that is not thinking about me. Next lifetime, I hope he's on another planet, so I don't become aware of his existence. I don't want to start another journey of finding a love that is not searching for me.