I sit annoyed on my couch as I attempt another glooming scroll on Indeed. I am forced to click "not interested" on opportunities that I am interested in due my lack of experience and college credentials. My children sit hungry, frustrated and disturbed as I send the fifth or fourth or sixth message to their absent daily father and, of course, he is working, busy and unable to read previously sent messages. And I forgot that he is struggling with a five-to-six-digit annual salary and had to pay taxes this year. After working as much as I could, I couldn't even get my fair share of CTC. With two packs of chicken left in the freezer and a few cups of rice, I face the challenge of not eating at all tomorrow. I grab my laptop and my resume resumes.
I could go substitute at a school for a week and receive less than $200 next week. That's gas money, soap, a pack of bread and tissue. But the $200 pay isn't worth the humiliation and harassment I receive at these schools. How can a first grader know that I haven't had sex three years? Why does a fifth grader jingle the change in their pocket every time I walk pass them and look me in the eyes while doing so? Here, it feels as if all my privacy has been revoked. Even words released from my mouth in my home are repeated when I go out. Living here is pain, not a physical pain, but a spiritual pain. I am desperate to leave here. Soon, I will have no choice, my home is foreclosed. I grab my laptop and my resume resumes.
My back up against the wall. Or is it a wall? It feels like a hard object. Fleshy and hard. It's a penis. I dare not turn around. I don't want to know what dictator is enjoying my despair. Does this struggle turn him on? Am I a new category of porn? Instead of the usual cheap story line of a woman dropping a pencil while wearing a mini skirt in front of her semi-naked professor(s), I am the harden warden that has turn soft and needs to be taught a lesson from the phallic master(s) of the facility. God, it feels like an unwanted fatherly lesson. Like a flower in the attic. I cringe as it thumps with authority. I need to find another way to get paid. I grab my laptop and my resume resumes.
Trumpy tariffs, stiff questionings and confused news fill the space in my home. Why am I even watching the news? Am I curious, bored or nosey? Procrastination? It doesn't matter. I'm too poor to make a difference in the world now. I wish I was behind the small, shiny wooden desk signing papers, talking lavishly and smiling at my competitors in fine cloths with fancy hair and glimmering nails. Is that the high life I gave up for two years of a high life? I feel foolish still. I was left behind and mimicked by the world that promised to leave no man left behind, to respect my rights and to show understanding, forgiveness and compassion. Left behind with those that do not comprehend this new world order and its agenda. I can't catch up now. My bones have become brittle, achy and worn. I grab my laptop and my resume resumes.
I place my name in list of names. This list is one that I thought I would never see. A joke from my new abusive and alive guardian angel. Go to hell, you delusional demon. A future I never saw coming because this isn't my future. I feel as if I'm wedged into a lifestyle that doesn't fit my abilities. My body is not designed to be a hoe. My brain is too advanced to be ghetto. My bones are too brittle for prostitution. This lifestyle does not fit me at all. I dimwittedly fell for the belief of another man's astrology and called it my life's path. Such a sloppy path. I feel so betrayed and conned. I put on my dunce cap. I grab my laptop and my resume resumes.
I found out a lot about myself during my great depression, perhaps this is the only silver lining of this phase. I can be quite wise and cunning when I need to be, and I know how to adapt. I prefer lakes over ponds and rivers, and I don't like crowded beaches. There are many ways to eat rice, eggs and beans. Money is nice to have, but happiness can be achieved without it. Still, I miss Chinese food whenever I want it and my days of planning cross-country visits with my children. All men are handsome, but I know which ones really give me butterflies now. I enjoy cleaning and cooking and reading makes me feel tranquil. I am in a depression, but I found light and spirit in it.
Breath in.
Hold.
Breath out.
I grab my laptop and my resume resumes.
